Yeah, I did that.

June 2021 chemo gave me curls, and EK woke me up!

A coming of age story, for this 48 year old.

This year has been a seriously defining year for nearly everyone. The pandemic would have been sufficient (Dayenu). And yet, on April 1st, 2020 I had 5 needle biopsies in my right breast. And five days later my MD called to say “well, it’s cancer.” 

The events that followed included surgeries, screenings, a million blood draws, a humiliating and infuriating 20 or 30 pregnancy tests (queer dyke plus, menopause caused by chemo) 6 months of chemo, and the most potent *mortal fear* I have ever felt.  

In January of 2021, I felt called to step into a new level of being present and real in this world. It turns out, feeling like your ride might be cut short sure changes how -into it- you are. 

In January, I was fresh out of #CHEMO and not sure what life would have left for me. I felt confounding anxiety that they’d “missed some” cancer. I had anxiety attacks so regularly that I stopped caring that they were going on. 

I was proud of this, pleased that I could “march forward” despite what was going on for me. I now see that was me fragmenting off from my body. Something that somatic practices have helped me stop doing so often.

In December of 2020 I found EK, met my shadow, shifted perspective, and changed how I kept my alchemical journal to align with our practices here. 

I’ve experienced so many new, expanding notions of who I am. It is like I’m a whole new kid, in a whole new candy store. 

Before, I had been hiding. Now, I am here to be seen. 

Before, I was scared all the time. Now, I am conversant with my fear. Before, I couldn’t feel my power. Now, I see what my power can do every single damn day. 

I was a sequestered scholar, alone with my books (Daoism, Kabbalah, Writing). Or the wounded healer - giving it away for nearly nothing (Acupuncture, Herbal Medicine, Qi gong, Tai Ji, Yi Jing Readings, Feng Shui Consults, on and on). Or the disgruntled sage - challenged that the people I’m sharing powerful traditions with and potent medicine with still have their way they have to do/learn/be. Hilarious to me now. Who was I fighting with?

In January, when I discovered my shadow, a Golem like creature, shoved in a too-small box, stuffed in the back of a crowded messy closet. Hissing and recoiling, I saw the fear in my own eyes. I saw the being who wants to be loved and celebrated, witnessed and known. 

Sure it is also the part of me that loves matches and wants to burn the heteronormative male-dominant white supremacist patriarchy to the fucking ground…along with everything everything everything else. And I now know that is me. That isn’t some ‘part’ to be shoved away. 

I wanted to conjure some potent solstice magic, and Father's Day really sucked this year. My dad was a real piece of work, and he's been gone 5 years, and for whatever reason - I don’t know- 

Maybe grief just lands in layers, stages, like sedimentary rock. THIS YEAR. wow. After surviving breast cancer surgery/chemo during a fucking pandemic I'm doing extra credit universal work. Integrating my shadow, transmuting poison into medicine, witching the way. What does that look like?

WELL, The night of solstice nearly midnight I went outside to stand in the shadowy mists and made an offering to my ancestors. I stood there, as smoke rose around me recalling all the times I’ve been burned, the infinitely more times I’ve been drowned, and the one time I recall being offered as a live sacrifice. One word came to my mind UNBURNABLE. 

I AM UNBURNABLE.

Once I was done with my offering and closed the portal I’d opened for this work. I went to my garden (my guarden) and picked 3 mugwort leaves. I put them under my pillow. 

In the morning I woke from a dream in which I was to be performing my first tasks as a sex worker. My first client was about to arrive and I was overwhelmed. “nothing is ready!” There were people in my house, including my spouse, which didn’t seem to factor in. I was asking everyone to leave and they didn’t 

I remembered something my grandmother (I am from very witchy stock) used to do, she’d go to her broom closet and turn her broom upside down - so the bristles were facing upward. And everyone would leave. (great trick - keep on file!) But in the dream I didn’t do that. I didn’t do anything. My client was about to arrive and the house was a mess, there were people here milling about (common, in summer especially). I woke up uneasy. 

I went to draw a bath, as the water filled the tub, I set an intention. To connect with ancestry who wish to help me where I am now. To be conversant with the spirit of my forebears who can support my next level of magical expression, and to know better what their strengths are. 

I was in the tub, maybe 5 minutes, meditating when I felt a HUGE presence enter my bathroom. A gigantic buffalo/water buffalo with double sets of horns walked in, graceful, easygoing.

A previous -pre-wealth- -pre-EK- me would have been out of that tub, upstairs and out the fucking door in seconds. Thanks to the gifts within this work, I’m now conversant with shadow - friends with evil, so, I stayed. With unwavering curiosity and some surprise at my lack of fear! I asked:

“who are you, you magnificent creature?”

They seemed to be a little bashful. (bashful!!?) They revealed themselves to be my grandfather, Arthur Crain, Art. He said “I’m always here protecting you.” We spoke for a brief few seconds more and he left. I’m crying writing this, but at the moment, I felt no emotional strain or discomfort, only the joy of my grandpa’s presence and peace that I have a huge powerful protector named ART. 

I went to my ancestral altar and burned a navy blue candle for him. He was an early scientologist, back when L.Ron was teaching astral projection and time travel. And like watching a patch of blue sky disappear, covered by clouds, Art left. 

I asked - what is currently limiting me?  I was shown an angular, metal cave painted a matte black - making it look, almost military? I saw that I have been under some spell, the cave, that has prevented me from seeing the world and from being seen. 

With some alchemical transformation and white-hot EK hysteria I was able to rather quickly turn the cave into cardboard, immerse it in the waters of lake michigan, just outside my door, and watch it disintegrate. Ready to emerge from the flimsy bonds that once held me hostage. 

My shadow still wants to burn shit down, a LOT, But what if instead, as @Helena Grant suggests - we are the water, what if our coming together here in WEALTH and related forums really is giving a container to our potent magic, and all we have to do is watch the water rise? 

I’m here to rise. 

My endless gratitude to @Helena Grant for her fearless badassery, and of course to our fucking out of this world teacher @Carolyn. eloncameron.com would never have been born the beautiful monster it horribly is. I’m so grateful. Thanks for being here. Thanks for sharing in my journey. 

Here, I was still afraid. January 2021